I am Motherless Mother

... who will I learn from?

I hope this post doesn’t sound too whoa is me but it’s been something I wanted to write down for a while. Something that often pops into my mind, out of nowhere and floors me for a day or two and yet it is something, which in other ways, is with me all the time. This is about me as a motherless mother.

Being a motherless mother can present it's self in many different ways, for me it's being a new mum who lost her mum before she was pregnant. 

I lost my mum almost 9 years ago to breast cancer. I was 24 she was 52. My mum fought cancer for 5 years and although we were somewhat prepared for her passing there was something inside me that still thought she would beat it, even up to three days before she left us. I guess that something was denial or even niaevity...

My mum didn’t know a lot of things about me. She didn’t know the career I’d choose, she didn’t know where I’d set up home or if I’d get married and she didn’t know if I’d become a mum. I guess at 24 I would’ve made comments about maybe never wanting children and I know that would’ve made her sad because she would’ve loved to of been a nanny and my goodness what an amazing one she would’ve been.

                                   

 

So fast forward 9 years to where I am now. A mum of a four month old, without my mum around. I appreciate that a lot of people don’t have their mums on their doorstep but even having them at the end of the phone to let off pregnancy steam and new mum worries must be such huge support.

I no longer have the person who I know was my biggest fan, to cheer me up on those harder days. Those days that can be filled with self doubt about my mummy decision making. 

How am I supposed to know if I'm doing this motherhood thing right when she isn't around to learn from? 

She’s not there for the advice giving, the encouragement and the patting on the back that only mums do in their mum way. She’s not here to cuddle Theo for 5 minutes and make me go and get some rest when I'm sleep deprived. She's not here to tell me that I'm doing the new parent job well.

Life is so different from when she was here, beyond recognition in some parts. She’s missing but from something she was never apart of, so how can she be so missed? 

What are the hardest parts? Perhaps seeing other nans/grandmas doing the job I know my mum would’ve been an absolute pro at. Those moments are hard. Family gatherings where I see other children being surrounded by grandparents and a feeling of jealously almost, hits me on behalf of my own child who doesn't have that. Those are are hard. Thinking back on the impact my own grandmother's made on my life and worrying that Theo will resent not having that. Those are moments are hard too.

Due to unfortunate circumstances Theo only has one grandparent who also isn't on the doorstep, so perhaps the whole motherless mother situation feels heightened at times for me, I don't know.

I wake up everyday so grateful for the little family we're creating and so happy with the amount of love me and my husband are surrounding Theo with. I'm happy with the love that we have for each other but loosing my mum left a huge hole in my life. that hole took on a new form when I became pregnant.

I miss her and I think about how wonderful it would've been to see her with Theo and play the Nanny Pat role that she no doubt longed for. An almost childish sentiment of "it's not fair" comes over me at times. Not fair for me, not fair for Theo.

But as I go further into this new motherhood role, I'll hopefully handle it in a way that would've made her proud and begin to trust my own instinct more as I see that I'm actually doing an ok job.

Although I am now motherless I will be forever grateful that I was mothered and more importantly, by her.

Amy x