I am Motherless Mother

... who will I learn from?

I hope this post doesn’t sound too whoa is me but it’s been something I wanted to write down for a while. Something that often pops into my mind, out of nowhere and floors me for a day or two and yet it is something, which in other ways, is with me all the time. This is about me as a motherless mother.

Being a motherless mother can present it's self in many different ways, for me it's being a new mum who lost her mum before she was pregnant. 

I lost my mum almost 9 years ago to breast cancer. I was 24 she was 52. My mum fought cancer for 5 years and although we were somewhat prepared for her passing there was something inside me that still thought she would beat it, even up to three days before she left us. I guess that something was denial or even niaevity...

My mum didn’t know a lot of things about me. She didn’t know the career I’d choose, she didn’t know where I’d set up home or if I’d get married and she didn’t know if I’d become a mum. I guess at 24 I would’ve made comments about maybe never wanting children and I know that would’ve made her sad because she would’ve loved to of been a nanny and my goodness what an amazing one she would’ve been.

                                   

 

So fast forward 9 years to where I am now. A mum of a four month old, without my mum around. I appreciate that a lot of people don’t have their mums on their doorstep but even having them at the end of the phone to let off pregnancy steam and new mum worries must be such huge support.

I no longer have the person who I know was my biggest fan, to cheer me up on those harder days. Those days that can be filled with self doubt about my mummy decision making. 

How am I supposed to know if I'm doing this motherhood thing right when she isn't around to learn from? 

She’s not there for the advice giving, the encouragement and the patting on the back that only mums do in their mum way. She’s not here to cuddle Theo for 5 minutes and make me go and get some rest when I'm sleep deprived. She's not here to tell me that I'm doing the new parent job well.

Life is so different from when she was here, beyond recognition in some parts. She’s missing but from something she was never apart of, so how can she be so missed? 

What are the hardest parts? Perhaps seeing other nans/grandmas doing the job I know my mum would’ve been an absolute pro at. Those moments are hard. Family gatherings where I see other children being surrounded by grandparents and a feeling of jealously almost, hits me on behalf of my own child who doesn't have that. Those are are hard. Thinking back on the impact my own grandmother's made on my life and worrying that Theo will resent not having that. Those are moments are hard too.

Due to unfortunate circumstances Theo only has one grandparent who also isn't on the doorstep, so perhaps the whole motherless mother situation feels heightened at times for me, I don't know.

I wake up everyday so grateful for the little family we're creating and so happy with the amount of love me and my husband are surrounding Theo with. I'm happy with the love that we have for each other but loosing my mum left a huge hole in my life. that hole took on a new form when I became pregnant.

I miss her and I think about how wonderful it would've been to see her with Theo and play the Nanny Pat role that she no doubt longed for. An almost childish sentiment of "it's not fair" comes over me at times. Not fair for me, not fair for Theo.

But as I go further into this new motherhood role, I'll hopefully handle it in a way that would've made her proud and begin to trust my own instinct more as I see that I'm actually doing an ok job.

Although I am now motherless I will be forever grateful that I was mothered and more importantly, by her.

Amy x

A Gender Neutral Nursery - Theo's Room

... the main concept for the room was calm with muted tones.

From the moment I found out we were expecting, my attention shifted to the nursery. 

We always thought the small room in the house would be the nursery but after a little thought we decided to sacrifice the guest room to make room for the baba. We decided this for a few reasons;

- It was at the back of the house so would be quieter
- It's one of the few rooms in the house that has double glazing (we've kept the original windows in most rooms) so would be much warmer
- It was a big room so could become more than just a place to sleep but also a place to play

I started planning the room in the place I normally start... PINTEREST! We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl at this point and didn't want this to determine the look of the room, so one search of "gender neutral nursery" on the beloved app and there were reams of inpsiration to get us started.

There were a few must have's to get me started...

- the cot
- a changing station
- a nursing chair
- book nook

I also stated to think of a theme but didn't want it to be overthemed so in the end just chose things that I liked. A bit of woodland/bohemian/adventure! But all in muted neutral colours. A calm space for a place to feed, sleep and play. So here are some of my favourite elements of the room.

The Cot

I think the cot was the first thing we bought. We had a lot of furniture that we had in this room already which was perfect for the nursery. All white, lots of storage. We chose the cot from MoKee. It had the simple look I was after and with the addition of the beech wood, add a little interest to the simple white furniture. I changed the door handles of the furniture to match the beech wood on the cot and although simple, made a big difference of bring everything together. The wardrobe was from Ikea 

The Nursing Chair and
Book Nook
With us being so lucky with the size of the nursery I really wanted to treat us to a nursing chair. I wished for a dream Baby Grey chair for a while and when I was shown one of the new designs I was sold.

                           

 

We went for the Nelli Rocker in the pale grey chenille with wooden legs, in fact it was the very first Nelli Rocker! It was an investment but I'm so glad we bought it because it has been invaluable for feeding in comfort and it's fast becoming not only the nursing chair but also the story telling chair. It's just beautiful!

The Changing Station

I really liked the idea of making the changing station a feature of the room but didn't spend a fortune on a changing unit that wouldn't be used for long. Instead we used an Ikea chest of drawers with Ikea shelves above to display useful baby bits and some favourite toys. AND Theo's famous hat collection!!! I loved the changing mat baskets that I had seen on Pinterest but couldn't stretch to one so I customised a charity shop Moses basket by just cutting it down to size. I bought a new mattress for it and it became the perfect place to change Theo in those early days. The basket has now become a 'Treasure Basket' and is filled with lots of natural finds ready for him to explore in the future.

The Details
As I said earlier, when playing the room I didn't want to go with an obvious theme but preferred to just chose items which I loved. 





A sort of woodland/mountain 
theme has started in the nursery which came with these beautiful mountain display shelves made MJM Bespoke.

 
 


I also loved these prints from The Crown Prints which I found on Etsy and just printed them at home. 

I'm so thrilled with how the nursery looks. It took me a while to get it to exactly how I wanted it but I think it's perfect now. It's also already been adapted to make room for Theo as he grows and his interests develop. 








It's not just a place to sleep but a place to play, feed and cuddle and we use it all the time. It's one of my favourite rooms in the house and we love spending time together in here. 

I've tried to link as many of the products as I can without it becoming a shopping list but if there is anything that catches your eye and I haven't said where it is from, feel free to ask.

Amy x