... the most wonder, special, difficult, challenging year of my life.
I've been wanting to write about and sum up, the first year of motherhood for a little while now. Theo is now 13 months old and a joy but in the past 6 months this honestly feels like the first time I've started to get a little more mind space to actually put fingers to keys.
He isn't "difficult" or "challenging" but I've found being a mum is. I'm not sure what I expected, of course it was going to be hard work, since when has being a mum been easy? But for me adapting to this new way has been a bit of a shock to the system.
I've blogged in the past about being "A Motherless Mother" I think this has had a lot to do with it but of course even if we would've had all of the support it would've been tough. This is just me writing about my experiences.
I'm going to try and give you a brief (ha! when have I ever been brief??) update in all the stages of the first year and how they felt for me.
So 0-4 months...
A blur to be honest. A worrying, self doubt blur! A wonderful new born bubble blur. That's the thing with being a mum/a parent, it's that you have those days that only emojis can describe (😩😢😧) and then this gorgeous being, that you created does something for the first time or pulls that face that you adore and all the 😩😢😧 disappears. That's what 0-4months felt like. I found those early months probably the toughest. Everyone around me was talking about new born baby bliss and I didn't get it!!! I wasn't down or depressed. Baby blues? Of course! But blissfullness is not how I would describe those days. Theo wanted to feed all the time, i was sore, tired, teary. I'd forgotten who I was. It all sounds very selfish now but it was how I felt, I found it really really tough.
A blur to be honest. A worrying, self doubt blur! A wonderful new born bubble blur. That's the thing with being a mum/a parent, it's that you have those days that only emojis can describe (😩😢😧) and then this gorgeous being, that you created does something for the first time or pulls that face that you adore and all the 😩😢😧 disappears. That's what 0-4months felt like. I found those early months probably the toughest. Everyone around me was talking about new born baby bliss and I didn't get it!!! I wasn't down or depressed. Baby blues? Of course! But blissfullness is not how I would describe those days. Theo wanted to feed all the time, i was sore, tired, teary. I'd forgotten who I was. It all sounds very selfish now but it was how I felt, I found it really really tough.
Then came 4-7 months...
If you follow me on Instagram, you'll know that Theo is pretty pants at sleeping but at around this time I expected different. The 4 month sleep regression had supposedly passed, that's what the books said anyway. Everyone else's baby was sleeping 7-7 why wasn't Theo? Maybe he's hungry, breastmilk isn't filling him, I must be doing something wrong.
If you follow me on Instagram, you'll know that Theo is pretty pants at sleeping but at around this time I expected different. The 4 month sleep regression had supposedly passed, that's what the books said anyway. Everyone else's baby was sleeping 7-7 why wasn't Theo? Maybe he's hungry, breastmilk isn't filling him, I must be doing something wrong.
So we weaned, not until 6 months but we weaned. BLW is what you must do! I panicked, so worried about choking. We slowed down, took it at a pace that I was happy with. The saying "happy mum, happy baby" could not have been more true for me at this time.
7-12 months...
All weaned, breastfeeding slowing down and an amazing eater, who STILL doesn't sleep well. I think by 7/8 months I'd just succumbed to the fact that Theo wasn't a great sleeper. And you know what, that acceptance changed things for me. I remember reading something about sleep being a development thing and that we don't rush babies to walk before they're ready, so why do we try and force them to sleep through when sometimes they're just not ready for that either? Some would say you're kidding yourself, but actually trying to enjoy that 2am cuddle made a huge difference. It was the cuddles at 4am and 5am after the 2am cuddle that drove me to distraction!!!
All weaned, breastfeeding slowing down and an amazing eater, who STILL doesn't sleep well. I think by 7/8 months I'd just succumbed to the fact that Theo wasn't a great sleeper. And you know what, that acceptance changed things for me. I remember reading something about sleep being a development thing and that we don't rush babies to walk before they're ready, so why do we try and force them to sleep through when sometimes they're just not ready for that either? Some would say you're kidding yourself, but actually trying to enjoy that 2am cuddle made a huge difference. It was the cuddles at 4am and 5am after the 2am cuddle that drove me to distraction!!!
The hardest thing for me at this point was returning to work. Sending him to nursery was so difficult but he was a star and actually, looking back, I think sending him to nursery before 12 months was actually easier then it would've been after 12 months. He was pretty clueless when he started nursery at almost 10 months (bless him) and he just accepted the nursery staff as his family. I think now he is more in tune with the world, it would've been more difficult. So no trouble there. It was me. I found going back to work so difficult for lots of reasons, perhaps I could write more about that in a separate post in the future.
In brief my plans didn't work out and the doctor suggested I took some time to reevaluate before things went too far. So that's what I did.
I've returned to work again this week, after almost 2 months out of it and it's felt daunting but I also feel so different this time round. I'm now a supply teacher and I'm hoping it will help me to rebuild my confidence again. I guess we shall see.
So where are we now at 12 months +...
Well I don't want to jinx it but i think Theo might actually like sleep now!!! We're now down to one long nap (most days) and that is working out well for us and for the past week he has slept pretty much 7-6/7am over night. I'm enjoying it for now, who knows what next week will bring.
I talk A LOT about sleep but it's really defined a lot of the 12 months for me, I guess with so little of it it's hard to think about much else because I'm tired ALL OF THE TIME! I don't think its a coincidence that I'm enjoying being a mum more than ever and we're getting full nights sleep. But then I must say this age is just a dream!
It may sound like a bit of a moany blog post, you signed up to having a baby so you should expect all this. Well yer, we did sign up to having a baby but that doesn't mean that I can't express how I felt in it all. Each stage had it's own difficulties but of course each stage had all the gorgeousness of having your baby with you. I almost feel like the special stuff goes without saying, it's the harder parts you hear less about. But for balance here's a quick list of the things that made my heart burst this year...
- Breastfeeding (all the feeds, even the painful ones). I'm so happy I did this. It will forever be something I'm proud of myself for. breastfeeding cuddles are like nothing i have ever experienced.
- Watching him change and develop each day. Each new little thing he does is just fascinating, I just love seeing how pleased he is with himself.
- Weaning. I absolutely loved this stage, once we found what worked for us. Seeing how much he loved food from the beginning was just great!
- All the physical stuff. Learning to roll over, sit up, crawl, stand up, walk. Each of those milestones have been truly glorious.
- Watching his relationship with his dad. I think his dad must be his most favourite person. He just adores him and I love seeing that in his eyes.
So that's our update. 12 months of having the hardest and most rewarding job and I wouldn't change a second of it.
I opened the floor to you guys last week, over on my Instagram and you made loads of suggestions for future blog posts, but if there is anything you would like to know more about (sleep, going back to work, weaning) then please get in touch and I'll see what I can do.
Amy x
So where are we now at 12 months +...
I talk A LOT about sleep but it's really defined a lot of the 12 months for me, I guess with so little of it it's hard to think about much else because I'm tired ALL OF THE TIME! I don't think its a coincidence that I'm enjoying being a mum more than ever and we're getting full nights sleep. But then I must say this age is just a dream!
It may sound like a bit of a moany blog post, you signed up to having a baby so you should expect all this. Well yer, we did sign up to having a baby but that doesn't mean that I can't express how I felt in it all. Each stage had it's own difficulties but of course each stage had all the gorgeousness of having your baby with you. I almost feel like the special stuff goes without saying, it's the harder parts you hear less about. But for balance here's a quick list of the things that made my heart burst this year...
- Breastfeeding (all the feeds, even the painful ones). I'm so happy I did this. It will forever be something I'm proud of myself for. breastfeeding cuddles are like nothing i have ever experienced.
- Watching him change and develop each day. Each new little thing he does is just fascinating, I just love seeing how pleased he is with himself.
- Weaning. I absolutely loved this stage, once we found what worked for us. Seeing how much he loved food from the beginning was just great!
- All the physical stuff. Learning to roll over, sit up, crawl, stand up, walk. Each of those milestones have been truly glorious.
- Watching his relationship with his dad. I think his dad must be his most favourite person. He just adores him and I love seeing that in his eyes.
So that's our update. 12 months of having the hardest and most rewarding job and I wouldn't change a second of it.
I opened the floor to you guys last week, over on my Instagram and you made loads of suggestions for future blog posts, but if there is anything you would like to know more about (sleep, going back to work, weaning) then please get in touch and I'll see what I can do.
Amy x
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